Tuesday, 13 August 2013

"My Encounter With Angel Michael"

It is all quiet in heaven one Sunday evening.
CHRIS: (Saunters into heaven) Hello, who dey house? Chrisbobo is in the building!
ANGEL MICHAEL: (Emerging from his abode) Yes, what do you want?
CHRIS: (At his sarcastic best) See question! What else does one come to do in heaven? I want to see God.
AM: (Fuming but restraining himself) He is not around.
CHRIS: What do you mean He is not around? How can God be missing from heaven? Is He on ward round in hell?
AM: (getting close to boiling point) Why are you interrogating me now? I said He is not around or am I hiding Him in my trousers?!
CHRIS: What’s with the attitude?  I only asked a simple question, no need for getting all worked up. Chill man, that attitude is not turned up.
AM: (genuinely curious) Which one is ‘turned up’?
CHRIS: Something cool kids say in Nigeria. Don’t worry, you can’t understand. So, where did you say God went?
AM: (restraining himself from boiling over) He doesn’t inform me of His whereabouts. He comes and goes as He wishes. You can give me the message you have for Him because I would like to return to what I was doing before you came.
CHRIS: (arrogantly) Nah, I don’t do in-betweens; I deal with the Oga At The Top directly.
AM: (struggling to keep calm) Okay then, come and start going.
CHRIS: What’s that supposed to mean? Like seriously, you want to send me away from heaven? Like it’s anybody’s father’s house, abi?

AM: Biko , si eba pu o! Leave this place now before I decapitate you with my sword! Is this place your father’s yard?! . Nonsense!
CHRIS: Ah, mo gbe! Angel Michael, so  you’re an Igbo man?!! (takes off)
AM: (in pursuit, screaming) Wait for me and find out! I di ka ife a na edebelu alusi! It is mouth you have until it is action time, then your feet do the talking. I say wait for me, you this foolish ofe mmanu boy.
CHRIS: (running) Oh, I see you are making this Yoruba Vs Igbo thing, just like almost everything in Nigeria today. This is shameful, really. I mean, you live in heaven for God’s sake; you should be above all this pettiness. You’re no better than all those moronic Nigerian politicians, like FFK and Dino.
AM: So, I am a moron? (pursues harder) Wait for me and let me show you what a moron can do, onye iberibe.
CHRIS: (Runs past Angel Gabriel and Angel Raphael who are cuddling two seraphs in a corner) Ehn, what do you people think you’re doing there? (AR and AG laugh at him) Are you people going to stand there and watch this terrorist murder someone in heaven?


As Chris and Angel Michael run in circles, God walks in. Angel Gabriel and Angel Raphael along with the seraphs flee in different directions
GOD: What is going on here?
CHRIS: (runs and hides behind God) Ah Baba God, why did you come now? Oooo, you will not let me show this Omo Ibo pepper now! Because I was playing with you abi, Michael, you want to show yourself here? You think I am afraid of that ordinary aluminum you call sword? O mo meme! God save you o, so gbo, God save you, o ba ri ogo lai wo cele loni.
GOD: (trying hard not to laugh) I know who I saved. (turns to AM) Holy Archangel Michael, Voltron of celestial planes, Defender of the Universe, what is the meaning of this?
AM: Oga, biko let me deal with this ofe nmmanu boy. His own is too much.
GOD: Michael, you know you shouldn’t speak like that. You also know he’s not Yoruba. Why do you let him work you up like this all the time? And stop heaving your chest and flaring your nostrils like a bad Nollywood actor.
AM: He comes here to talk nonsense every time. Oyinsi, he’s taking your love for him for granted.
CHRIS: Ehn, who is talking nonsense, e mi? Ooooo, Baba God, allow me to show this guy! Do you know who I am?
GOD: (laughing out loud) Jembete, you and this your mouth. No wonder you run into trouble all the time. The day FFK and Dino will deal with you, I’ll be here to make fun of you. By the way, what did you come here for today?
CHRIS: Sebi I just came to ask you what was responsible for the resurgent Yoruba Vs Igbo nonsense on everything concerning Nigeria, as if they are the only ethnic groups. Achebe writes a book, Soyinka writes an article, Fashola deports people from Lagos, Ameachi removes his mouth from Dame‘s motherly breasts, FFK forgets to use his drugs and begins to write nonsense…in the end, everything turns to online war of words between Igbo and Yoruba people! That’s all I came for o, before this terrorist attempted to murder an innocent civilian.
AM: Utulu gbabue gi dia! Ewu town council.
CHRIS: (stylishly moving towards the exit) Back to sender jor. Ewu iwo na! O ma blow ni!